It may break my body, but it will never break my soul.

This blog is hard to write. I have so many feelings pouring out that im not sure how to write them. How to say them. I read recently of a boy named Miles who at 19 had made a huge difference in this world. Its said that if you leave this world better then when you came into it. You made a difference. Have I. Have I done anything to make this world better. I have i truely lived. Jason Aldean says in a song on his latest cd that "Every man dies, but not every man lives." I want to know that i lived. I feel that at 20 years old i have done alot. I have traveled, i have met people from all over. I have confussed people with my accent. I have confussed people with my love for idol. I have made acaquatances become friends and friends become family. I have had people fall in love with what they call my "infectious smile". So in some ways I have lived. In some ways I have made a difference. But is it big enough.

At 20 years old there are things i havent done that i want to do. I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to, well you know, I want to have a baby. But will any of this happen? Will i get to live out those dreams? Sometimes i feel like i wont. Some days i feel as though God is preparing me to leave this world. Its not that I dont want to be with him. I dont want to leave behind the world i have grown so close to. I know i can make a difference. I know i can save this world, not by myself. But with my generation. Look at us. We are strong, we are fighters. I want to cure cancer. I want to become an advocate for Childhood cancer awareness. Cant you people see, my generation is being wiped out by a disease that can be fixed. Yet all the government wants to spend money on is a stupid war. A war that is doing nothign but killing people. If we took half the money that idiot Bush spent in Iraq you know what we might have found the cure to one, two or three forms of cancer. I saw a little girl at St. Jude's this week. Who had Ponte Brain Stem Glioma. For those of you who dont know. Its uncurable, there is nothing that can be done. She is dying. That's it. In a few months River will be gone. Why? Why is there only one way to get rid of my cancer. Why do I have to go through a bone marrow transplant just so i can MAYBE live a normal life. WHY? Why does Boey have to fight so hard to live? Why is it that the only medicine that can cure us, can kill us? Why does Mackenzie have to live so far away from her dad and sisters? Why? Why cant they cure us. Why have Mack, Boey and I all had relapses. Why did our first treatments not work?

I feel like crawling up in a corner and crying. Im scared. I want someone to tell me its going to be ok. I want someone to tell me in the end all this will be worth it. Cause right now I cant seem to figure this all out. I thought i was brave. I thought i could do this. Wait I know i can do this. But why does it have to be so hard. Why do i have thoughts in my head, scary thoughts. Thoughts that I wont live to see my little brothers graduate. I sit and wonder what the world would be with out me. Its a hard concept to grasp knowing that when you die, the would still goes on.

No matter what though I will LIVESTRONG. Lance did the world a good thing when he started his foundation. I wonder sometimes that when this is all over. Will i find out why i was chosen to fight this disease. Lance knows why. Lance made a difference. He is a living miracle. But when you think about it all of us are. We all have struggles in life. Some of you might have lost a job, or are not able to have a child. Those are struggles. But we live through it. We dont do it by ourselves though. Its in our times of need that we find one another. Its in our times of need that we truley see God, and know that he is there. This cancer might take me away. But it will never ever win. I will beat it one way or another. I am either going to fight like hell and live or fight like hell and go home.

Please continue to pray for all of us warriors from the smallest to the biggest. the oldest to the youngest. We are all family and we are all warriors and better yet we are all survivors.

Got my line in.

Hey everyone. Well i offically have a double luman hickman line. YAY. not it hurts like you dont want to know. I can barely move my right arm, which sucks cause im right handed. The before part was scary i was way nervous i listened to Free, by Elliott, Imagine by Blake and then Hero by Chris SLigh and then it was time to go. I remember getting my last iv. The man goes you know what God says. Its better to give (poke) then recieve. lol he was funny. I got to push my vercet in. Which calms me down. I got a bunch of pictures of me asleep and with my docs and stuff. I just remeber waking up and asking if someone saw my boobs. Which is a duh question they had to considering the thing comes out right between them. Anyways that is allt hat happened today. I came to my dad's house and slept. Until my bros came home they came back and gave me a hug and stuff. I asked Michael if he wanted to see, i was like you cant see my boobs its fine. Matthew goes its cool dude you should look, he then looks at me and goes sorry it is pretty cool. HAHA. I went to walmart with my memaw after that and i got stared at. But who cares. I guess it does look weird. But i did get cool bandaids to put on the end of the caps lol. Shrek and Hello Kitty. haha. Well i think im goin to go drink the rest of my milk shake cause my throat hurts they stuck a tube down my throat during surgery so yea it sucks. Anywas love to you all.

A special Thank you

Thank you to Marleybone and the wonderful suprise i recieved yesterday. You made my day. I am currently listening to the Half Past Forever cd. Im so excited that i own it now. Also thank you for the poster of my future husband. Its lamenated to (is that how you spell it?) but anyways they said everyhing has to be lamentated and yay that means i get to put it up in my room. IM so excited. Thanks so much. You made a ok day freaking awesome. Love you MarleyBone and i love all fo you bloggers.

the past 2 days

Well its been kinda crazy the past couple days. Yesterday i had a nurse visit where she just asked how i was doing and then i got to leave. After that i went and hung out with Mikey and Pam and then we all went to eat. After that me and mom came back to the room and rested for a bit. That night my friend Angie(whom i met last year at Graceland while waiting on the idols) and her mom Rita came and hug out they brought me a ballon that sings. Which today gave me some enjoyment. This morning we woke up at like 6:45 and got over to the hospital at 7:45. We waited for an hour and yea that sucked. Then gave me 15mgs of Valum. The MRI was still a bit scary i listened to Tim Mcgraw while they where doing my knees im not sure that that is supposed to hurt, but my knee's are still killing me from it. Then when they where doing my hip i got to listen to Justin Timberlake. I was kinda gettin scared cause my head was kinda under the thing but then Sexyback came on and i just closed my eyes and thought about Chris RIch and Blake singing it and i fell in to a peaceful sleep. I woke up and saw my new little friend Cole again. He was so cute. I just loved him. I met him yesterday and he gave me a big hug and stuff. Pray for him to stay cancer free guys. He is 6 years old and lives in B-ham Alabama. Mom and I then went to talk to my social worker to have her contact the american red cross again cause the army is being stupid...yall know that story. Then I had to get stuff about a living will and an advanced directive and stuff like that. Then we went to lunch and im pretty sure the valum gave me the munchies cause i was like mom i need fruit loops HAHA. I got them though. After that i came back to the room and slept till like 6. I just took my last normal show for a while and took my wonderful iodine bath. I hav eto get my line put in tomorrow and im scared. I am finally getin where i can say that. Because i know its ok to be scared. But in the end i know that GOd will take care of me. Please pray that the surgery goes well. Pray for the surgeon and the nurses that will assist him.

For all my idol fan friends. I urge you go to gread Phil Stacey's new blog he talkes about a girl and her mom . The girl had cancer and was a fan of Phil's. The little girl died one the day that Phil got eliminated from Idol. Her last words to her mom where I love you mom and tell Phil i love him. I havent got to read the blog myself but Felisha read it to me. Phil said it pefectly . I dont think the contestants on idol realize who they are to people. I have a few idols that to me make my life easier. Elliott Yamin sings my theme song Free. I wouldnt of made it through this week with out Blake Lewis and his music. I have went to sleep everyday listening to Blake. I even recieved a gift this week. A cd of my beloved idol buddy Chris Sligh, and a big poster of my future husband Chris RIchardson. When i went to sleep fo my CT scan they told me s to shut my eyes and dream of my idols. I just dont know if they really know what they mean to us. But Phil said it the best. so just go read his blog.

Well everyone im headed to bed. I have a big deay tommorrow and im goin to sit here and enjoy life with out a tube hanging out of my chest.

I love all of you. Sleep well and Remember GOD IS GREAT.

P.S. please keep Mikey in your prayers still his blood count still isnot 500. Keep Kody in your prayers too. He is soon to be off treatment and his counts my go down so pray that they say up.

A Blog in honor of my brother Matthew

Yesterday was Matthew's last first day of school I know stupid right. But it is his senior year. I cried yesterday it's crazy seeing my little brothers grow up. I mean it wasnt that long ago that he was running around in his wranglers and button up shirts with a cowboy hat sayign me not Matt me Garth Brooks.

We have had a lot of great times thourgh the years. I remember one time i was stupid enough to pick up a piece of cactus and well it hurt (DUH) so i slung my hand and it flew and hit and stuck in his forehead.

Anyways hear is to you Matthew, my best friend my backbone and one of the greatest brothers in the world im so thankful that God made you and Michael my little brothers.

today

Today has been good i dont remember most of it. I woke up at 6 something to "This Love" thanks Felisha lol. So i just stayed up and got ready. We went and checked and i waited about 5 mins before they called me back. Jennifer was my nurse she was nice. She started the iv, which she put it in the wrong vein, for some reason and then she pushed it trhough the vein and it filtrated, so i had to get stuck AGAIN. no biggie though this was the first time i have ever had to be stuck more then once. I walked back and had to lay down on the bed thing, ok this is when i started to freak a bit. They finally gave me vercet and it was GOOD. They ran me through the machine and put the contrast in my iv, made me feel like i pee'd my pants haha, that was embarassing. After that i dont remember anything, i dont remember putting my clothes back on, i dont remember eating my poptart, i dont remember anything from the 9 to like 11. It is scary and funny all at the same time. After that i went to the dentist. He gave me a new tooth brush and for the first time in a very long time it did not hurt to brush my teeth. THANK GOODNESS. I then went to see the ENT he was really funny, he said every thing look really good. Well tomorrow i dont have much just a visit with my A clinic nurse I get to have my old nurse back for at least one day. yay for Cori. Then a limb sparing which sounds scary so yea nervous about that. I have been enjoying my showers this week. because i know this is the last time in a while i will have a normal shower. Since the line cant be like submerged in water. Well ill update again tomorrow. Please pray for all the kids up here at St. Jude and kids all over the world with this awful disease and keep Boey and Mackenzie in your prayers. Love you all.

this week

Hey everyone. No to much today. I had alot of appointments. mostly about transplant stuff. I found out that my donor is a 20 year old guy from the U.S. I really cant wait for a year so i can meet him. I have alot of stuff i have to do this week. Ill give you the appointments for the rest of the week. More might be added. But anyways, i did all the wonderful stuff. THey took a crazy amount of blood today. I talked with my line nurse. I will be getting that put in on Friday. After all that crap. Me, mom, Mikey and Pam went to Graceland. It was fun. I love that place, i only wish i could of been alive when Elvis was. Anyways here is the stuff for the rest of the week.

Tuesday

8:00 CT PO Sedation (Putting me asleep for a CAT scan.)

8:45 CAT scan

10:00 BMT Child Life (just talk to the child life specialist)

10:30 Dental consult

2:00 ENT visit

Wednesday

10:00 Nurse Visit

2:45 limb sparing If anyone knows what this is please tell me.

Thursday

8:15 MRI sedation

9:15 MRI

2:00 Social Work Consult

Friday

6:45 Prep for double luman hickman line

7:45 Line Placement

12:00 Nutrition Consult


Thats all i got so far. Talk to you all soon Love ya.