It may break my body, but it will never break my soul.

This blog is hard to write. I have so many feelings pouring out that im not sure how to write them. How to say them. I read recently of a boy named Miles who at 19 had made a huge difference in this world. Its said that if you leave this world better then when you came into it. You made a difference. Have I. Have I done anything to make this world better. I have i truely lived. Jason Aldean says in a song on his latest cd that "Every man dies, but not every man lives." I want to know that i lived. I feel that at 20 years old i have done alot. I have traveled, i have met people from all over. I have confussed people with my accent. I have confussed people with my love for idol. I have made acaquatances become friends and friends become family. I have had people fall in love with what they call my "infectious smile". So in some ways I have lived. In some ways I have made a difference. But is it big enough.

At 20 years old there are things i havent done that i want to do. I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to, well you know, I want to have a baby. But will any of this happen? Will i get to live out those dreams? Sometimes i feel like i wont. Some days i feel as though God is preparing me to leave this world. Its not that I dont want to be with him. I dont want to leave behind the world i have grown so close to. I know i can make a difference. I know i can save this world, not by myself. But with my generation. Look at us. We are strong, we are fighters. I want to cure cancer. I want to become an advocate for Childhood cancer awareness. Cant you people see, my generation is being wiped out by a disease that can be fixed. Yet all the government wants to spend money on is a stupid war. A war that is doing nothign but killing people. If we took half the money that idiot Bush spent in Iraq you know what we might have found the cure to one, two or three forms of cancer. I saw a little girl at St. Jude's this week. Who had Ponte Brain Stem Glioma. For those of you who dont know. Its uncurable, there is nothing that can be done. She is dying. That's it. In a few months River will be gone. Why? Why is there only one way to get rid of my cancer. Why do I have to go through a bone marrow transplant just so i can MAYBE live a normal life. WHY? Why does Boey have to fight so hard to live? Why is it that the only medicine that can cure us, can kill us? Why does Mackenzie have to live so far away from her dad and sisters? Why? Why cant they cure us. Why have Mack, Boey and I all had relapses. Why did our first treatments not work?

I feel like crawling up in a corner and crying. Im scared. I want someone to tell me its going to be ok. I want someone to tell me in the end all this will be worth it. Cause right now I cant seem to figure this all out. I thought i was brave. I thought i could do this. Wait I know i can do this. But why does it have to be so hard. Why do i have thoughts in my head, scary thoughts. Thoughts that I wont live to see my little brothers graduate. I sit and wonder what the world would be with out me. Its a hard concept to grasp knowing that when you die, the would still goes on.

No matter what though I will LIVESTRONG. Lance did the world a good thing when he started his foundation. I wonder sometimes that when this is all over. Will i find out why i was chosen to fight this disease. Lance knows why. Lance made a difference. He is a living miracle. But when you think about it all of us are. We all have struggles in life. Some of you might have lost a job, or are not able to have a child. Those are struggles. But we live through it. We dont do it by ourselves though. Its in our times of need that we find one another. Its in our times of need that we truley see God, and know that he is there. This cancer might take me away. But it will never ever win. I will beat it one way or another. I am either going to fight like hell and live or fight like hell and go home.

Please continue to pray for all of us warriors from the smallest to the biggest. the oldest to the youngest. We are all family and we are all warriors and better yet we are all survivors.